Thought: I lost it!

I lost my temper with Sofia last week. It was tragical, I was ashamed, I begged for her forgiveness.

She had temperature on and off for 3 days and didn’t sleep well for two nights in a row. She didn’t eat much for days!!! Every time I offer her food, she’d turn her head or cry. She’d wake up in the middle of the night and cry until I go in. Then I have to stay with her until she fell asleep but only waking up 30 min later screaming again if I’m not there. I ended up sleeping in the couch and/or on the floor.

The heat was down.

I had back pain for a week that got worse after sleeping in that situation.

I was exhausted.

I was mad at her at certain point that I lost it. I yelled her:” what’s going on? why you’re not sleeping?” I thought I spoiled her so she was just trying to manipulate me.

But the next day, the fever came back and I realized my little baby was not feeling well so she wanted comfort from me. She was not acting… she just needed mommy.  I felt so ashamed of acting that way to her.

My next mistake: take her to the daycare despite a bad night of sleep. 

She didn’t have fever that day and I thought she’d have more fun at the daycare.

But the moment we arrived, she didn’t want to enter, but I “forced” her anyway thinking she would get better once she started playing.

Then she cried for few minutes when I left, something that she hasn’t done for a long time.

I called every two hours to check on her. Although she stopped crying, she wasn’t still herself.  She didn’t eat much. She even took 2 hrs long nap, first ever at the daycare. It means she was really having a bad day.

What was I thinking? Why I dragged her to the daycare when she had a bad sleep? What kind of mom am I?

As I hugged her when I picked her up early in the afternoon…. I felt so sorry to her. I felt so guilty to have done all these things to her. But what was amazing is that despite all that, she run to me the moment she saw me. She forgave me without hesitation, she wasn’t resentful, she still loved me more than anyone. My heart hurt so badly!

She’s finally back to her normal sleep routine and is eating really well. The storm was over.

It made me realize how easy I could loose my temper if I’m not careful, and that I’m extremely lucky that 95% of the time she’s a textbook baby who only brings joy to us.

I want to write down this episode to remind myself to be even more patient with her, and always start by assuming she’s not feeling well instead of she wanting to manipulate us.




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2 responses to “Thought: I lost it!

  1. Don’t be too hard on yourself, Coco. We are all guilty of having a short temper due to lack of sleep. It in no way reflects on how good of a Mom you are…..

  2. A sick child really wears on you. Like Krista said, don’t be so hard on yourself, Coco! You are a great mom!

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