Journal: warning meltdown!

Yesterday Sofia had her first non-stop crying episode, and I had my first post-baby meltdown! 😦

As I mentioned, Sofia has been nursing for shorter time lately and would refuse to eat any longer once she’s finished. From what I’ve read, it’s normal for babies to get more efficient at emptying the breasts so they nurse faster. As long as she’s content, not hungry sooner than usual, pooping and peeing, then nothing to worry about. That being said, I’m still a bit cautious trying to make her eat as long as possible.

Yesterday afternoon when she woke up from her nap, it has been 2.5 hrs since she last ate. It was 1:30pm and she usually eats one more time before dinner, so I offer her breast. She refused it. I offered again, she refused again and then started crying! Not fussy kind of crying, but non-stop, non consolable kind of crying. I tried walking around with her, talking to her, comfort her as I used to, but she kept crying! My first reaction was: Is she refusing my breasts? Will this be the end of our nursing relationship? Was it bad idea to give her bottle before bed after nursing? What if she doesn’t want to nurse anymore? Does she prefer grandma over me now? My mom came and wanted to comfort her, I said no! I couldn’t accept that Sofia would stop crying with grandma instead of me!

After 30 min of non-stop crying, my heart was broken! I wanted to cry so badly! Not just because Sofia kept crying because she will eventually stop, but because I was so afraid that this was the end of our nursing relationship. Then I said to myself:” as long as Sofia is still eating my milk, from my breast or from a bottle doesn’t matter!” I proceed to heat some milk in a bottle, offer it to her. She refused it! Okay. Then it’s not my breasts. I finally let my mom to comfort her. She kept crying! Okay. It was not that I couldn’t comfort her.

15 min later she finally stopped. My mom offered her bottle and she started eating. I pull her away from it right away and offer her breasts. She nursed, for 17 min! A recent record! 😯

It was a shocking episode, a warning sign for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it the rest of the day and night! I realized how much I love nursing her. How much I crave her dependence on me. I finally understood those who say they were sad when they finally stopped nursing. The original intention of breastfeeding to give her the best “food” has became also my selfish obsession of nursing her. I enjoy so much the bonding experience of it that I can’t let it go, not yet, maybe I won’t for a long while. Once I go back to work, I’ll only nurse her in the morning and before bed, and weekends. I REALLY hope she still wants to nurse because I NEED it sooo much!!!

It also reminds me to be more present when I’m with her. STOP looking at the phone/ipad. 👿 These moments are precious. Every nursing session is one less from the total times I can nurse her. In a year as the longest, I won’t be able to do it, so enjoy EVERYONE of them as long as I can.


Sofia woke up at 7:15 am. After changing and nursing, adults had their breakfast.

Mine: 1/2 cup oatmeal cooked in 1 cup of water in the microwave (testing new fast cooking method), 2 eggs beaten and microwaved, tomato sauce.


didn’t like the puffed eggs much, I need runny yolks.

Parents: steamed rice cakes with aduki bean paste and raisin


this is a typical chinese sweet cake, my mom loves it.

Steamed rice cake with aduki (松糕)

  • 250 g glutinous rice flour
  • 250 g rice flour
  • 100 g sugar
  • 180 g water
  • aduki bean paste
  • raisin
  1. Mix flour and sugar in a big bowl
  2. Add water little by little. Use hands to mix the flour with water and make the mix as granite.
  3. Prepare a pan or steam basket with cloth or parchment paper.
  4. Pour half of the mix into the pan. Do not press it down.
  5. Add aduki bean paste and raisin
  6. Pour the other half of the flour mix and top with raisin.
  7. Steam for an hour or until the stick comes out clean


The texture is very unique. It’s chewy and cakey at the same time. It’s a great variation from heavy buttery cakes.

They also had lemon glazed pound cake that I made for the party.


After breakfast and clean up. I did my daily workout while Sofia napped. When she was up, I played with her in the new toy, jumperoo. She’s still a bit small for it but since she has good neck control, we put her into it for 10 min each time. So far she likes looking at the toys. 🙂



I also baked a new bread


Brown sugar sandwich bread

  • 1 egg, beaten
  • 90 g milk, luck warm
  • 100 g water
  • 45 g butter, soft
  • 50 g brown sugar
  • 3 g salt
  • 370 g flour
  • 4 g yeast
  1. Add the ingredient in this order to the bread machine.
  2. Select the dough cycle.
  3. Let it rise in the machine for 3 more hours until it doubles its size
  4. separate the drought in 4 parts, stretch each of them and roll


  1. put in the baking pan and let it rise in a warm place for 30 min
  2. bake at 350 F for 30 min.


I tried a piece and it’s delicious! So soft, buttery and slightly sweet. Perfect for breakfast with some butter or jam.

Lunch I had a stir fry of chicken, bok choy, sweet pea, onion, soy sauce/mirin/ginger/sesame oil.


I’ve cut out seafood and limit tofu to see if it helps with Sofia’s eczema. So far, I can’t tell if it helps.

After lunch was the meltdown! Fortunately, after nursing she took a nap and woke up happy again. She even “played” with her grandma. This pics of them looking at each other melts my heart! 🙂


girl: please don’t do that to mama again! It’s too painful!


While Sofia took her last nap of the day (30 min or so), I did yoga!


I haven’t done yoga for almost a year! 😯 It was really nice to relax, be mindful and stretch out a bit. I need to do it more often!

Then I did a mini spa session: exfoliate and mask.


again haven’t done one for a long time.


Dinner part 1: autéed celery with black fungus and mushrooms with chinese pickles


After a great nursing session (26 min!), Sofia was asleep by 7:25pm. Then I proceed to have the second part of dinner: kabocha and corn! 🙂


Before going to bed, I had a short pumping session (20min, 2.5 oz.). I find it helpful to empty breasts before going to bed (9pm) so when I pump in the morning (5:30am) I’m not too engorged and milk flows relatively easily. I wish the morning session could be shorter. Now it takes 45 min to halfway empty them (12-13 oz.). I’d like it to be 30 min or less but afraid that when Sofia nurses at 7:15 am, she’ll get too much fore milk.  So, for now I prefer to sleep 15 min less.

Q: What do you pack for lunch and snacks? I need easy-to-pack lunch/snacks ideas!


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4 responses to “Journal: warning meltdown!

  1. Ah…parenting can be so hard! Especially when they can’t talk to tell us what is bothering them! Maybe she had a bit of a tummy cramp? Or maybe her gums are sore? You are doing a fantastic job, Coco. Never doubt that!!!

    I love the picture of Sophia and your Dad. Those moments are precious…

    The steamed rice cakes look good! Like those delicious round one that I get at my fave Thai place! 🙂

    • I agree, Coco you’re doing very well and maybe it was some weird reaction/sensation she was going through?

      And I want you to know that I’m learning quite a bit from your motherhood routine, so thank you for sharing them! Keep it up and remember that there will always be challenges, it’s just how we respond to them that really matters and makes us stronger. I’m sure I’ll have meltdown too when baby is here 😛

  2. Weighting For 50

    Awww, hang in there Coco. Sofie and your Dad? That picture made me “awww” out loud. Take care!!!

  3. Sorry you had a tough day. It happens to all of us. You are a wonderful mom! I love the pic of Sofie and your dad, too!

    I often get to go home in between classes for lunch. When I take lunch/snacks, I like veggies with hummus, string cheese with almonds, and cheese and raw crackers.

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