Thought: motherhood

I’ve read a lot about how hard is motherhood. Although Sofia is still a small baby and motherhood only means to feed/change/put into sleep/play her. I feel I’ve mastered these skills and can do it without thinking too much. It hasn’t been easy or smooth to get where I am, but it wasn’t as hard as I expected when I was pregnant. I wonder it’s because I’m lucky to have an easy baby, or for having positive attitude about whatever is going on. Probably a combination of the two which makes me want to say: Motherhood is not hard! It comes as a second nature pretty quickly.

Holding Sofia I wonder how is it possible to love someone so much! I asked her: “would you love mama back?” Obviously she wouldn’t answer but the answer seems irrelevant. Thinking about my mom, I know that there’s no way Sofia will love me as much as I love her. I do love my mom but nearly as how I love Sofia.

When I’m not with her, I miss her. No matter if I was just with her, or I’ve been away for hours. I simply miss holding her, looking at her ALL the time.

When I read something happening to other babies/people, I worry that it could happen to Sofia and that scares me to death.

Every morning I wake up with the alarm at 5:25 am to pump. Some days it’s harder to get up than others, but I don’t feel it’s a sacrifice. It’s amazing that someone who used to take sleep-time as sacred would not miss waking up naturally.

When I play with her and she smiles me back, it’s the most WONDERFUL thing in the world. This week, she even laughed loud!!! Yes, that’s another first! I was quite surprised, but she did it several times already. I’m so proud to be the only person that can make her laugh loud! πŸ˜†

A friend of mine who’s going to have a baby in April told me that she plans to send her baby to China when he’s a year old because her husband travels a lot for work and she can’t take care of her baby by herself, so she’s sending him to her parents. My first reaction was, how could you? And then I just said:” just wait until you have him and you’ll see how hard that would be for you.” We all have assumptions about what we would be and our life would be after having a baby, but the truth is we can’t really imagine it without actually having him/her. You can’t imagine how much you will need your baby!!! At first, it seems that your baby needs you because she can’t live without you, but the more time you spend with him/her, the more you realize how much you need him/her. He/she can probably survive with the care of someone else, but you won’t survive without having him/her close to you.

It’s not that dramatic though. Obviously you can survive without our baby, but you will be MISERABLE! How hard it would be depend on how much time you spent with him/her. If you give away your baby right after birth, it’s going to be easier than if you take care of him/her for months/years. it’s like everything else we do, the more time and devotion we put into something, the more we love and need it. So, at the end, it’s our own decision of how much we want to love and depend on our baby. If we want to love a lot, then spend more time with them and do more for them.

A friend of mine gave birth to twins a month ago and she is already back to work. I told her I’m going to go back to work in few days and how sad I am. She instead told me she’s so happy to be back to office. Being at home is so much harder. Going to work rescued her! I simply don’t get it! How is it possible to need a rescue from being with your babies? Of course, I also miss working because I’m not just a mom, I’m also a professional and miss being with other adults and talking about non-baby related topics. But I am sad for not being able to spend time with Sofia. I guess the real cause is that when she’s at home, she doesn’t really take care of the babies either because she has a full time (24/7) nanny. She doesn’t wake up at night since day 1. She decides to nurse only 2-3 times a day since day 1. I respect her decision, but I can’t do it myself.

Lastly my friend Sarah whose baby is a month old is embracing motherhood as much as I am. She had pre-baby blue worrying about not loving her baby when she’s born, concerns about not knowing how to take care of her. I told her not to worry about it because the loving part will come naturally and that she has me for the logistics/troubleshooting of taking care of the baby. Now, she’s loving to be Tara’s mom! She agrees that motherhood has became her second nature. The more time she spends nursing Tara, the more she loves her! πŸ™‚

I’m glad to have so many friends with small babies. It’s nice to have them to talk just about babies and motherhood. It’s also nice to realize that not everyone takes motherhood as I am. It makes me reflect more and makes clearer how I want it to be.


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