Today I want to talk about roles in the family. No matter how big or small is the family, we all play roles in it.
In our family (Star, I, Sofia and currently my mom and my in-laws), I’m the leader, the planner, the decision maker and the most unwelcome person. The last role makes me pretty sad. Who doesn’t want to be the pleaser? Who doesn’t want to make everyone happy? It’s so much easier to say yes to everyone than to say no. However if there’s no one in the family that puts boundary, sooner or later the family will be in trouble.
In my previous family, my parents and I, my dad takes the role of the “hated-one” because he is the one that says no to things. I used to hate him for that, now I understand that it’s actually the hardest role.
It’s not easy to pretend to be firm when making decisions that you know it’s the best for the family and face disappointed faced. It’s not easy to keep the potential problems the family would face if we don’t follow certain rules from the rest of the members. I don’t like sharing these potential problems with my family because I don’t want to worry them. But by keeping them unaware of them, they think that I’m just making those decisions for my own benefit. This makes me sad, especially when I feel misunderstood from my closest ones. In my weakest moment, I want to throw the towel.
It make me wonder, am I doing the right thing? Should I talk more about problems we might have?
I don’t know the answer. From one side, I always ask Star to tell me his problems when he has so we can discuss it together and solve it. From the other side, I understand when he doesn’t do that because he loves me so much that he wants to keep me as a little happy girl forever, so he’d keep his problems for himself. We talked about this issue many times, and he’s finally convinced that we’re a family and we should face all the problems together. Furthermore, he trusts my judgement, so when he faces some hard moments, my opinion is valued. Likewise, I tell him all my concerns, even the smallest, and I feel relieved when I tell him.
However, I don’t do that with my parents. I never tell them my concerns and problems, whenever I talk to them it’s to inform them some good news, or at least the bright sides of things. I feel they’re old enough to worry about me, they should enjoy their life now, free of worry, just enjoy life. That’s my way to show love. When I get misunderstood or even judged to be selfish, I feel deeply hurt.
Now that I’ll be a mom soon, I wonder how I want to raise Sofia. Should I show her the world in pink? or should I present the reality as it is? Should I keep all the family problems away from her? or should I let her know about them? I think I’m more inclined to the later, to show her the world as it is, and to let her be a real family member who shares all the joy and troubles of the family.
Q: What’s your role in the family? Do you tell your partner/parents/kids about your/family problems?