Random thoughts about motherhood:
- Last Thursday I was very busy at work. Running from meetings to meetings. They were interesting, but all I was thinking about is how late I am into my pumping schedule. By the time I got into office, I shut the door and started pumping (40 min late!). In 20 min I only got 3oz (usually 4-5). 
Finished with it, packed everything and stepped to run into my baby. As I was driving, I felt stress for the first time. I was worried that work will get busier and I would not be able to keep the 3 pumping sessions, finish all the work I have to do, leave office at 5:30 and still maintain my sanity. Fortunately I calmed myself down pretty quickly, and when I saw her face at night, I was full of joy. All the worries vanished.
- I keep telling myself this: “I really want to breastfeed Sofia for a year, but if I can’t make it, it is okay!“
- When I became a mom, my perception about boobs changed. Seriously, it became the food producer instead of sexy part! I shut the door of my office when I pump but don’t lock it, and I never worry about someone entering. I wouldn’t be embarrassed, but he/she might.
- When I read bringing up babe, I liked the idea of keep the house mainly as it was before the baby, meaning no toys in the living room or any room except the nursery. Now I have toys everywhere
- Research is my life! I do research about poverty at work, and I do research of “how to travel with frozen milk” at home. Dry ice? cooler box? 
I soon will be traveling for work and will do whatever I can to keep pumping and ideally bring them back. I don’t want to waste “golden liquid”.
- Before having Sofia, I wanted to have at least a boy and a girl, so in a perfect world the second one has to be a boy. But with all the cute dresses we got for Sofia, I really want a second girl just to use them once again!
- When Sofia was a newborn, I read a lot about how to make her sleep/eat well. I was afraid that if I hold her into sleep, she will get spoiled and I would have to hold her forever! Well… the forever is too short! Next time, I will stop worrying about anything and just enjoy every minute of the newborn stage, or any stage because it passes WAY TOO FAST!!!
- I wonder as I love Sofia so much, how can I have another baby and love him/her the say way? Is it true that the first baby is always more special? What is to love more than one little person?
I have had so many of these same thoughts! I have been walked in on so many times while pumping and I’m never embarrassed, even though they are. I also feel like I worried my way through the newborn stage and really want to enjoy it more next time. And my husband and I have talked about how we will possibly love baby #2 as much as Kevin. I know we will, but it’s hard to imagine right now.
Try as best as you can not to stress about the pumping at work. I think that letting myself become too stressed was one thing that contributed to my supply issues when I returned to work. Stress affects hormones which affects your milk. You’re doing a GREAT job!
Coco, can I just tell you that your English has improved SO MUCH in the three years since I’ve been reading your blog?? I’m so impressed!
NExt, I’m also impressed with your thinking and your rationality. I haven’t been in your situation, but I would think that the more stress you have, the harder it would be to even produce milk! Right? So just relax and remember that you aren’t going to be perfect, but what Sophia needs is a mother who loves her and who can smile when she walks in the door, like you do
If you can’t provide breast milk for a full year, it’s ok, heck, I was only given breast milk for 2 months (and I think that’s better than nothing at all, for sure!).
Keep staying positive Coco. you’re doing wonderful.
I definitely am able to “live in the moment” with the kid (and I worried soooo much more when my older son was little). I am also not in a rush for him to grow up. In fact, I don’t want him to grow up…
Still, I worked too much during his first year, and I really regret it now. But I can’t change that so I am spending as much time as possible with him now.
Everything will work out! Love the photo of Sophia!
Agreed about the boob
I see them differently now too!
You will do great I mean you are already such an AWESOME mom. Relax and things will fall in place.
Wow great and interesting thoughts, Coco! Hmmm I’m really curious how that whole unconditional love thing works, especially when you have 2 or more kids. I heard that loving them equally, but treating the differently according to THEIR needs and character is also important because every child and human being is different.
Thank you for sharing all this good stuff! I think you’re doing great, girlie~
Before having a second child, it’s so normal to think that this baby girl is your world. You feel so attached to her you probably don’t think it’s possible to love another child as much as you love the first one.
But trust me, the love a mother showers to someone who she carries for 9 months and then go through all that agony to deliver the baby following by lots of wonderful, precious moments raising the baby, trying to give the baby the best you can… all of that is irreplaceable, and most definitely unconditional.
So what I’m trying to say is, even if you have a second child, you’d be surprised that you could actually feel that excitement and thrill and ecstasy when you had your first child. It’s in you, it’s just the sequence that differs and probably the gender of the babies, but your equal love for your children will amaze you.
My mum often tells me how lucky she is to have all three of us, and that we are my parents’ motivation to push themselves to work harder so that they can provide the best for us. She also tells us that although she may treat all three of us differently, it’s only because we are different and unique in our own ways and need different approach of concern and care.
I think you’re a great mum, and because I come from a family where I have two siblings who are great and tolerant and intelligent and just really fun to grow up with, I suggest you should consider giving Sofia a chance to be a big sister when you are ready
I really enjoyed reading your thoughts about motherhood, Coco, especially because many of the topics you addressed are questions I’ve asked myself (even though I’m nowhere near becoming pregnant! haha). One of my concerns about having children is how I’ll balance work with home life. My mom stayed home with me and my brother during most of our childhood, which I loved, and I’d like to provide that constant support for my own future children. However, I don’t want to cut my career goals short, so I anticipate that finding the right balance may be a bit tricky. I think it’s so wonderful that you’ve made breastfeeding Sofia a priority, but that you also acknowledge that it’s okay if you’re not able to do it for an entire year.
I’ve often wondered about loving children equally, but my mom has always told me that a mother’s capacity to love knows no boundaries. In other words, no matter how many kids you have, each one will be equally special!
Hope you have a wonderful weekend! <3